Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
