i was born a porn star she said
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Someone came in the potted fern
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
