Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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