OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
