Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
