He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
