Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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