he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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