i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
