Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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