He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
