All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
