that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You need a sexual gate keeper
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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