**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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