i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
