if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
