didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
