Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
