you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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