i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
