I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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