things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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