Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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