eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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