The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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