Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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