Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
