God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
