This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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