I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
