Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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