now i know why i became what i already was.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
