my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
