I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
