I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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