I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
