I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
