went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
