Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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