If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
