dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
