Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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