His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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