it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
