I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize