i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
