drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
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