I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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