she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
