I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
