Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
not ubering you a puppy
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize