Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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