not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
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