Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
