I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
