im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
