Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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