Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
